Once again.. I was shot at in a dream. As I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I feel hot.. hot where I was hit. First one was through my back on my lower right side.. and another a bit higher to my left. I said.. omg.. i’m hit.. Jannette I’m hit as she drove as fast as she could from a man in a ranger uniform who was still shooting at us. I couldn’t hear anything.. just I saw the window shatter.. and I more felt the loudness. It felt so real. I didn’t know if she had been hit too.. or if I was gonna hit again.. but I woke up with this intense heat in my body that was making me sweat. The dream didn’t start out this way.. they never do. We were hanging out with some people.. I’m sure I knew one of them long ago.. but we were just chilling teaching each other about our languages. Some how we ended up taking some food with us to someone. I’m not sure who were taking it to but it was dark.. and far. She was messing with me.. opening the side door of her van while on the road (that’s not even possible!).. and she was laughing.. and stopped.. but we reached what looked like a round about that looks and felt suspicious. She drove in slowly.. and something just wasn’t right.. it was off.. then noticed a man in a ranger uniform with one of those ranger hats.. and he had a gun in his hand. She said.. this isn’t right.. I think we stumbled on to something bad.. he’s coming towards us. She swerved as he came closer and raised his gun at us.. we went into a ditch and almost got stuck.. I sank into myself.. and she managed to get out of the ditch and that’s when I was hit.. the heat radiated from where I was shot each time.. it was at my back. I wake up panicked.. still feeling the heat in those places. I haven’t had a dream this intense in a while, because I haven’t allowed myself to have one. My sleeping has been off. Looks like I’m gonna be up for a while more…
The dream started out with a baby pink elephant. How something so innocent can turn into something so violent is beyond me. At this point I can’t remember all the details.. but I’m still in tears from the fear that I do remember. The lay out of the place was from my childhood, a 2 story apartment.. my room was the only one downstairs. In this particular dream it didn’t look like my old room and it wasn’t mine (it was my aunt’s room). I had been upstairs with her watching tv when the news alerts us that there’s a dangerous man on the run and for some reason I kept seeing orange. He was wearing an orange shirt that was poking out from the bottom of his jacket. There was something so familiar about him. Things get a little confusing for me here.. but he some how comes inside with an obvious intention to hurt us, but it’s like we know him because he doesn’t he just talks to us. Feels like my aunt had convinced him not to harm us or something.. but I was on edge.. next thing i know her boyfriend comes home and we’re upstairs and his shirt isn’t orange anymore.. it’s blue and he was telling us how his nickname is spiderman. Her boyfriend then escorts him downstairs. My aunt told me I looked like crap so I should put make up on.. he still downstairs from what I could hear.. so I lingered back trying to be unseen.. and he was out the door and gone. I walked into the downstairs room.. and my cousin was sleeping in a corner. I began to look for my make up bag.. and next thing I know he’s standing in the room.. with a knife pointed at me.. and a rag with chloroform on it and he’s trying to put it on my face all while stabbing at me in the air. Some random woman comes in which startles him cause he takes a swing at her. I don’t know who she was.. but she too seemed familiar. Just as soon as she was there.. she was gone.. but that distracted him enough for me to knock the knife out of his hands. I kept screaming for help from my aunt and her bf but they never came. I just kept holding the knife toward him while kept trying to turn it on me.. and I remember that my screams felt like they were all in my head but at the same time i could feel them in my throat. He had managed to stab me in the stomach, but I too got him there. I was still screaming for help when I woke up already in tears. Still in tears.The events that lead up to the attack were fuzzy.. but I can remember the attack so vividly.
One good thing about this blog that I sometimes forget I have, and I’m glad when I don’t have to think about it. Once I type it out on here.. I don’t have to think about it anymore.. I can go back on past dreams.. and it’s crazy to think that I typed that out because of a dream that I had. Why is it that I usually only ever remember the bad ones in such detail, but I can almost never remember the good ones?
I can’t remember the last time i had a nightmare, but I just woke up in tears. It felt so real. Even though it’s starting to escape me now.. the feeling.. the fear and sadness won’t leave me for a while.. I’m sure of it.
The beginning is fuzzy as always. Somehow I was in the back of a military truck with family and friends. There was three of them trucks and guns lots of guns. All through the while I was having flashbacks of happier times.I saw my sisters and my brother, my mother and my father all smiling. Somehow my brother was in the truck and a few small children. We were laying down going through check points. I recognized some of the people as friends that I went to school with. I overheard that we were being under attack and there was an infiltration within our people. It didn’t look like were home…I didn’t know this land. All of a sudden the children kept moving around and looking out the truck. They told us that they needed to stop or look like a threat, but it was too late. We got shot at. I could see the bullets as if there were in slow motion, neon orange laser looking dashes. I knew it was a matter of time before one of those hit someone in this truck if not everyone. I could hear screams outside and sounds of war. I saw my brother get shot in the head several times.. and a few other people.. finally it I got hit in the stomach. I felt this hot sensation travel throughout my body. This isn’t real this isn’t real.. this isn’t real.. I kept saying.. but it felt so real. Somehow I’m able to see into one of the other trucks.. and I see someone in the front start shooting people.. I felt like I knew him.. but I can’t put my finger on who he was. I knew him long ago.. and I no longer did. I kept thinking.. where is everyone.. all those check points with friends and family we had just recently passed. Gone. They must all be gone. Some people tried to run away from the trucks, but they kept getting picked off. It was clear to see that no one would survive, no one would escape. I woke up trying to breathe normally.. as I laid there it took me a few seconds to realize what had happened. It was only a dream..
Change change change… it’s what’s left at the bottom of ones purse… what people so easily disgard on the ground. Do you have any change? Most people don’t, and those who do just collect it and never use it. Change seems easily enough… if you want it. I want it… but I guess not bad enough. There’s a point where it doesn’t matter how bad you want it… you’re just not gonna get it…or not the way you’d like… so you deal the best way you know how.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that stays in my mind. I really should of posted this while it was fresh in my mind, but I just have been avoiding it in case I forgot it. I didn’t, but most of it escapes me now. I can’t remember the beginning of the dream, but somehow it places me about 2 blocks from where I live. Only the place where I’m at isn’t the place that actually exists, because in it’s place there would be a middle school. However, this was a building with two sides. There was a graduation taking place.. no particular age.. I assumed high school. One side of the building was more secure than the other and there was a panic, people worrying that someone would attack the ceremony. My parents happened to be on the other side of the building that was deeper inside “more secure”. I remember feeling the panic and seeing a man sitting on a bleacher watching everyone talk. He seemed like an old man with a hat.. and he said.. it ok no one is getting in because we would see him come in on this side if he did.. which is weird because now that i think about it he said.. “him”.. and with that being said he was gone.. all of a sudden there was a panic on the other side of the building and people running out and I got outside. I remembered my parents were still inside, so I went back in. I made my way either around or inside to that side and I saw him. The man I had talked to.. he was keeping people hostage and cutting into people.. blood and body parts just there. He didn’t see me nor did anyone else. He got in like he said.. from the unsecured part of the building.. we saw him.. but he seemed so harmless. Then I saw my mom only.. she was in half.. but alive.. I was able to make my way to her, I grabbed her by cradling her in my arms and I ran home, which was 2 blocks away. I stormed inside and my brother asked me where my dad was.. he saw the news and only saw that my mom was with me.. I yelled at him over and over he’s back there.. he’s in the building with that guy.. and that’s when I woke up. It was a pretty intense dream..
After I woke up.. it took me a minute to shake the dream, but then I heard the news from the living room. Something about a shooting. At first I thought it was more information about the shooting in Oregon, but then I heard the word Elementary.. and I got outta bed and walked into the living room. Sure enough there it was.. another shooting. It wasn’t quite like my dream, but the fact that I dreamed about a helpless moment only to wake up to another one was just… depressing. Waking out of a nightmare only to wake into another one… its no wonder why I’m always so anxious about bad things happening… its like my nightmares follow me… reminding me that shit happens.. and I haven’t figured out how to deal with it.
I should be in bed right now.. but.. honestly.. I don’t wanna be.
I look at my hands and they aren’t as smooth as they used to be. I’m only 23 and my hands look like shit. Why does that even matter to me right now? I’m sure as time goes on.. my hands are just gonna get worse.. but right now.. they look so awful to me. They look so old.. so old and I’m only 23.. why do I feel like time.. likes to fuck with my mind. Sometimes it feels like time is standing still.. and other days its like all the good days just end in a blind of an eye.
I had a bizarre dream last night, well, the most bizarre in a while. I can’t remember, no, I can, but I can’t put the details into exact words. The images are just in my head, like, little photographs. The first part of my dream is pretty much hard to remember. The second part I think was about my dad, my biological father. Which is weird because I don’t really have much to go off of but two pictures that I’ve seen. However, I’m pretty sure it was him. We were wearing the same shoes, purple. We were in a car with another woman and an other little boy. There’s an accident and that’s where I wake up. There is more to my dream.. it’s just fuzzy.
Little update since I’m at it. I’m off all of my meds and it’s been oh.. i dunno 2 months? Give or take? I’ve been more irritated and my moods have been more.. all over the place. Emotionally.. it’s not been good, but physically I feel a lot better than how I did before. The side effects from medications really suck. I think the plan is gonna be to continue without the meds for a while.. no sense in taking them if its physically making me feel like crap. So, off meds and we’ll see what happens from there.
People are like bottles. Different shapes and sizes… some have never been opened an others empty. Some are filled with intoxicating stuff and others with something as simple as water. Some are plain and others are hand painted. Each bottle is made with a purpose.. to contain something.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a nightmare, but since I’ve been off my Prazosin I have been having vivid dreams. I haven’t been able to remember them much though after. Lately, I’ve been waking up around 5am or so for I have weird dreams. This time I had a nightmare. The beginning is fuzzy, but the ending that woke me up was strange.
It starts off, well what I remember, being chased by lasers. Although, it was sort of a game, but not. The lasers were like devices in the sky control by people? One was a blue one, control by a male. The red one was controlled by a woman, and it was a lot faster at finding me. I got hit, but it didn’t hurt me.. since the game was set to I dunno not killing? Turns out that those two were together, and the woman confesses she’s with child. It gets fuzzy from there. There was a part where I went into a bathroom and I took my make up off at the beginning and it was slowly coming off. So, I rubbed it off and I felt ugly. My family was in the dream I think, because then I remember my brother wanting to go store in a remote area. My dad told him to not go alone since it was a ways away, and there could be another attack. So, I said I would join him, a we went off on our way. So, we went on our way and when he was driving I kept panicking. I told him to slow down and watch the turns. The landscape was dry with hills around us, with a dirt road and no side rails. It seemed like we were going up because the road got steep and the turns were sharp. Many times it seemed like we were gonna go off the edge. There was a white bridge across, huge, across a river with rocky sides. He missed the bridge and we went off the cliff into the water. I hit the window with my elbow to open it, bit it wouldn’t shatter so I quickly rolled down the window before too much water got around us. I looked back and my brother had done the same. This is where it gets weird.. there was a little girl with us and she was in the water as well. Another car fell in the water, which happened to be family friends.. they ignored us. I told my brother and the little girl to swim back to the side we fell off so we could walk back home.. but I realized the side up was too steep with rocky sides going up.. no way up. So, we went towards the other side of the bridge following the other people. I kept thinking my phone, which was in my pocket was getting wet. We made it to the other side and I quickly reached for my phone and I tried it.. it seemed to work but I couldn’t get calls out, so it was useless. I thought dammit.. I can’t call my dad to come get us.. but then I thought I wouldn’t want him come this way and get hurt on the way.. I was sort of glad the phone didn’t work.. but how were getting home. I saw the other people that had fallen in the water started taking off in a car they apparently had on the other side. I thought.. what assholes. At this time, the little girl disappeared, and I didn’t even notice.. well until now that I’m thinking back. The other side of the river had a lot of people, which seemed to be some sort of outside function. I told my brother we had to find a pay phone.. and there was a “YOU ARE HERE” sign with the surrounding map of the function. I looked for pay phones which happened to be far away.. and I thought fuck its too far to walk. I looked around and I told him we need to ask to use a phone at one of these booths. They all looked busy and I doubt they would let us. I turned around and I saw a payphone next to the bridge and I felt relief.. it had an “OUT OF ORDER” sign on it which was faded. WTF. Finally, I went to a booth that sold food. I went to ask the lady if we could use her phone. However, she told me what I wanted on my tacos (yeah yeah yeah.. how ironic tacos.. ha ha Mexican.. yeah I KNOW.. moving on).. I looked at her confused. I told her.. I didn’t order anything. She told me it was on her and that they were a some sort of shelter for people who fell off the bridge, apparently it happened a lot? That’s where I woke up.
I guess it wasn’t really a nightmare.. just very stressful. I often look at my dreams, if I can remember them, and I try to make sense of them. I’m never really sure what they mean. It was 4.. something am when I woke up.. and it is now 5:21 am. For the past few days.. maybe over a week now.. I have been waking up around this time.. or 2am. I stay up for a while and then I go back to sleep. So, yes after this I will be trying to go back to sleep.
It’s like.. maybe I should be on Prazosin. Only the side effects were just too intense for me. What’s better? Having dreams that wake me up through out the night or random dizziness through out the day (which made my heart beat so fast.. felt like something was wrong and it scared me). I dunno.. I’m always tired any way.
I don’t feel like therapy is working, and I’m tired of taking pills all the time. I’m stuck. Am I ever gonna feel better? Is this just gonna be my life? I’m told things will get better and that it just all in my head. I just don’t know.. I’ve always felt like this. It’s all I’ve known. I can’t imagine anything else.
I met up with my lawyer on Thursday, and something that she said to me stuck out. She told me I must be a strong woman. Meh, I don’t feel like I am, but I guess it’s good I haven’t given up and offed myself. Says something right?
Lately, things have been *shrugs*.. I’m not exactly sure how to put it in words. I’ve been feeling lost? I had quite a few side effects with some of my medications, and I can’t really be sure which med. is making me feel what. However, I stopped taking prazosin last week, and I was taking citalopram 1/2 40mg tab for a week and I stopped today.
Side effects: I was getting dizzy very often. It felt like every day through out the day. I gained significant amount of weight. Lack in energy.
So far, I haven’t been getting dizzy (thank god), but my dreams have been getting more.. vivid. I wouldn’t call them nightmares.. just complex and I remember them. Its sometimes hard to get to sleep and I wake up through out the night.
This week has been hard. I think it may be as a result of my menstrual cycle. Things tend to get amplified around that time. My moods have been more all over the place, and intense. I’ve had a few panic attacks and break downs, which I haven’t had in a while.
Right now.. I feel.. ok. Which I see as numb. I’m a bit tired emotionally and physically. I have two appointments with my therapist on Friday. We’ll see what comes of that.