Here goes nothing...

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that stays in my mind. I really should of posted this while it was fresh in my mind, but I just have been avoiding it in case I forgot it. I didn’t, but most of it escapes me now. I can’t remember the beginning of the dream, but somehow it places me about 2 blocks from where I live. Only the place where I’m at isn’t the place that actually exists, because in it’s place there would be a middle school. However, this was a building with two sides. There was a graduation taking place.. no particular age.. I assumed high school. One side of the building was more secure than the other and there was a panic, people worrying that someone would attack the ceremony. My parents happened to be on the other side of the building that was deeper inside “more secure”. I remember feeling the panic and seeing a man sitting on a bleacher watching everyone talk. He seemed like an old man with a hat.. and he said.. it ok no one is getting in because we would see him come in on this side if he did.. which is weird because now that i think about it he said.. “him”.. and with that being said he was gone.. all of a sudden there was a panic on the other side of the building and people running out and I got outside. I remembered my parents were still inside, so I went back in. I made my way either around or inside to that side and I saw him. The man I had talked to.. he was keeping people hostage and cutting into people.. blood and body parts just there. He didn’t see me nor did anyone else. He got in like he said.. from the unsecured part of the building.. we saw him.. but he seemed so harmless. 
Then I saw my mom only.. she was in half.. but alive.. I was able to make my way to her, I grabbed her by cradling her in my arms and I ran home, which was 2 blocks away. I stormed inside and my brother asked me where my dad was.. he saw the news and only saw that my mom was with me.. I yelled at him over and over he’s back there.. he’s in the building with that guy.. and that’s when I woke up. It was a pretty intense dream..

After I woke up.. it took me a minute to shake the dream, but then I heard the news from the living room. Something about a shooting. At first I thought it was more information about the shooting in Oregon, but then I heard the word Elementary.. and I got outta bed and walked into the living room. Sure enough there it was.. another shooting. It wasn’t quite like my dream, but the fact that I dreamed about a helpless moment only to wake up to another one was just… depressing. Waking out of a nightmare only to wake into another one… its no wonder why I’m always so anxious about bad things happening… its like my nightmares follow me… reminding me that shit happens.. and I haven’t figured out how to deal with it.

I should be in bed right now.. but.. honestly.. I don’t wanna be. 

I look at my hands and they aren’t as smooth as they used to be. I’m only 23 and my hands look like shit. Why does that even matter to me right now? I’m sure as time goes on.. my hands are just gonna get worse.. but right now.. they look so awful to me. They look so old.. so old and I’m only 23.. why do I feel like time.. likes to fuck with my mind. Sometimes it feels like time is standing still.. and other days its like all the good days just end in a blind of an eye. 

I had a bizarre dream last night, well, the most bizarre in a while. I can’t remember, no, I can, but I can’t put the details into exact words. The images are just in my head, like, little photographs. The first part of my dream is pretty much hard to remember. The second part I think was about my dad, my biological father. Which is weird because I don’t really have much to go off of but two pictures that I’ve seen. However, I’m pretty sure it was him. We were wearing the same shoes, purple. We were in a car with another woman and an other little boy. There’s an accident and that’s where I wake up. There is more to my dream.. it’s just fuzzy. 

Little update since I’m at it. I’m off all of my meds and it’s been oh.. i dunno 2 months? Give or take? I’ve been more irritated and my moods have been more.. all over the place. Emotionally.. it’s not been good, but physically I feel a lot better than how I did before. The side effects from medications really suck. I think the plan is gonna be to continue without the meds for a while.. no sense in taking them if its physically making me feel like crap. So, off meds and we’ll see what happens from there. 

People are like bottles. Different shapes and sizes… some have never been opened an others empty. Some are filled with intoxicating stuff and others with something as simple as water. Some are plain and others are hand painted. Each bottle is made with a purpose.. to contain something.