Change change change… it’s what’s left at the bottom of ones purse… what people so easily disgard on the ground. Do you have any change? Most people don’t, and those who do just collect it and never use it. Change seems easily enough… if you want it. I want it… but I guess not bad enough. There’s a point where it doesn’t matter how bad you want it… you’re just not gonna get it…or not the way you’d like… so you deal the best way you know how.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that stays in my mind. I really should of posted this while it was fresh in my mind, but I just have been avoiding it in case I forgot it. I didn’t, but most of it escapes me now. I can’t remember the beginning of the dream, but somehow it places me about 2 blocks from where I live. Only the place where I’m at isn’t the place that actually exists, because in it’s place there would be a middle school. However, this was a building with two sides. There was a graduation taking place.. no particular age.. I assumed high school. One side of the building was more secure than the other and there was a panic, people worrying that someone would attack the ceremony. My parents happened to be on the other side of the building that was deeper inside “more secure”. I remember feeling the panic and seeing a man sitting on a bleacher watching everyone talk. He seemed like an old man with a hat.. and he said.. it ok no one is getting in because we would see him come in on this side if he did.. which is weird because now that i think about it he said.. “him”.. and with that being said he was gone.. all of a sudden there was a panic on the other side of the building and people running out and I got outside. I remembered my parents were still inside, so I went back in. I made my way either around or inside to that side and I saw him. The man I had talked to.. he was keeping people hostage and cutting into people.. blood and body parts just there. He didn’t see me nor did anyone else. He got in like he said.. from the unsecured part of the building.. we saw him.. but he seemed so harmless. Then I saw my mom only.. she was in half.. but alive.. I was able to make my way to her, I grabbed her by cradling her in my arms and I ran home, which was 2 blocks away. I stormed inside and my brother asked me where my dad was.. he saw the news and only saw that my mom was with me.. I yelled at him over and over he’s back there.. he’s in the building with that guy.. and that’s when I woke up. It was a pretty intense dream..
After I woke up.. it took me a minute to shake the dream, but then I heard the news from the living room. Something about a shooting. At first I thought it was more information about the shooting in Oregon, but then I heard the word Elementary.. and I got outta bed and walked into the living room. Sure enough there it was.. another shooting. It wasn’t quite like my dream, but the fact that I dreamed about a helpless moment only to wake up to another one was just… depressing. Waking out of a nightmare only to wake into another one… its no wonder why I’m always so anxious about bad things happening… its like my nightmares follow me… reminding me that shit happens.. and I haven’t figured out how to deal with it.
I should be in bed right now.. but.. honestly.. I don’t wanna be.
I look at my hands and they aren’t as smooth as they used to be. I’m only 23 and my hands look like shit. Why does that even matter to me right now? I’m sure as time goes on.. my hands are just gonna get worse.. but right now.. they look so awful to me. They look so old.. so old and I’m only 23.. why do I feel like time.. likes to fuck with my mind. Sometimes it feels like time is standing still.. and other days its like all the good days just end in a blind of an eye.
I had a bizarre dream last night, well, the most bizarre in a while. I can’t remember, no, I can, but I can’t put the details into exact words. The images are just in my head, like, little photographs. The first part of my dream is pretty much hard to remember. The second part I think was about my dad, my biological father. Which is weird because I don’t really have much to go off of but two pictures that I’ve seen. However, I’m pretty sure it was him. We were wearing the same shoes, purple. We were in a car with another woman and an other little boy. There’s an accident and that’s where I wake up. There is more to my dream.. it’s just fuzzy.
Little update since I’m at it. I’m off all of my meds and it’s been oh.. i dunno 2 months? Give or take? I’ve been more irritated and my moods have been more.. all over the place. Emotionally.. it’s not been good, but physically I feel a lot better than how I did before. The side effects from medications really suck. I think the plan is gonna be to continue without the meds for a while.. no sense in taking them if its physically making me feel like crap. So, off meds and we’ll see what happens from there.
People are like bottles. Different shapes and sizes… some have never been opened an others empty. Some are filled with intoxicating stuff and others with something as simple as water. Some are plain and others are hand painted. Each bottle is made with a purpose.. to contain something.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a nightmare, but since I’ve been off my Prazosin I have been having vivid dreams. I haven’t been able to remember them much though after. Lately, I’ve been waking up around 5am or so for I have weird dreams. This time I had a nightmare. The beginning is fuzzy, but the ending that woke me up was strange.
It starts off, well what I remember, being chased by lasers. Although, it was sort of a game, but not. The lasers were like devices in the sky control by people? One was a blue one, control by a male. The red one was controlled by a woman, and it was a lot faster at finding me. I got hit, but it didn’t hurt me.. since the game was set to I dunno not killing? Turns out that those two were together, and the woman confesses she’s with child. It gets fuzzy from there. There was a part where I went into a bathroom and I took my make up off at the beginning and it was slowly coming off. So, I rubbed it off and I felt ugly. My family was in the dream I think, because then I remember my brother wanting to go store in a remote area. My dad told him to not go alone since it was a ways away, and there could be another attack. So, I said I would join him, a we went off on our way. So, we went on our way and when he was driving I kept panicking. I told him to slow down and watch the turns. The landscape was dry with hills around us, with a dirt road and no side rails. It seemed like we were going up because the road got steep and the turns were sharp. Many times it seemed like we were gonna go off the edge. There was a white bridge across, huge, across a river with rocky sides. He missed the bridge and we went off the cliff into the water. I hit the window with my elbow to open it, bit it wouldn’t shatter so I quickly rolled down the window before too much water got around us. I looked back and my brother had done the same. This is where it gets weird.. there was a little girl with us and she was in the water as well. Another car fell in the water, which happened to be family friends.. they ignored us. I told my brother and the little girl to swim back to the side we fell off so we could walk back home.. but I realized the side up was too steep with rocky sides going up.. no way up. So, we went towards the other side of the bridge following the other people. I kept thinking my phone, which was in my pocket was getting wet. We made it to the other side and I quickly reached for my phone and I tried it.. it seemed to work but I couldn’t get calls out, so it was useless. I thought dammit.. I can’t call my dad to come get us.. but then I thought I wouldn’t want him come this way and get hurt on the way.. I was sort of glad the phone didn’t work.. but how were getting home. I saw the other people that had fallen in the water started taking off in a car they apparently had on the other side. I thought.. what assholes. At this time, the little girl disappeared, and I didn’t even notice.. well until now that I’m thinking back. The other side of the river had a lot of people, which seemed to be some sort of outside function. I told my brother we had to find a pay phone.. and there was a “YOU ARE HERE” sign with the surrounding map of the function. I looked for pay phones which happened to be far away.. and I thought fuck its too far to walk. I looked around and I told him we need to ask to use a phone at one of these booths. They all looked busy and I doubt they would let us. I turned around and I saw a payphone next to the bridge and I felt relief.. it had an “OUT OF ORDER” sign on it which was faded. WTF. Finally, I went to a booth that sold food. I went to ask the lady if we could use her phone. However, she told me what I wanted on my tacos (yeah yeah yeah.. how ironic tacos.. ha ha Mexican.. yeah I KNOW.. moving on).. I looked at her confused. I told her.. I didn’t order anything. She told me it was on her and that they were a some sort of shelter for people who fell off the bridge, apparently it happened a lot? That’s where I woke up.
I guess it wasn’t really a nightmare.. just very stressful. I often look at my dreams, if I can remember them, and I try to make sense of them. I’m never really sure what they mean. It was 4.. something am when I woke up.. and it is now 5:21 am. For the past few days.. maybe over a week now.. I have been waking up around this time.. or 2am. I stay up for a while and then I go back to sleep. So, yes after this I will be trying to go back to sleep.
It’s like.. maybe I should be on Prazosin. Only the side effects were just too intense for me. What’s better? Having dreams that wake me up through out the night or random dizziness through out the day (which made my heart beat so fast.. felt like something was wrong and it scared me). I dunno.. I’m always tired any way.
I don’t feel like therapy is working, and I’m tired of taking pills all the time. I’m stuck. Am I ever gonna feel better? Is this just gonna be my life? I’m told things will get better and that it just all in my head. I just don’t know.. I’ve always felt like this. It’s all I’ve known. I can’t imagine anything else.
I met up with my lawyer on Thursday, and something that she said to me stuck out. She told me I must be a strong woman. Meh, I don’t feel like I am, but I guess it’s good I haven’t given up and offed myself. Says something right?
Lately, things have been *shrugs*.. I’m not exactly sure how to put it in words. I’ve been feeling lost? I had quite a few side effects with some of my medications, and I can’t really be sure which med. is making me feel what. However, I stopped taking prazosin last week, and I was taking citalopram 1/2 40mg tab for a week and I stopped today.
Side effects: I was getting dizzy very often. It felt like every day through out the day. I gained significant amount of weight. Lack in energy.
So far, I haven’t been getting dizzy (thank god), but my dreams have been getting more.. vivid. I wouldn’t call them nightmares.. just complex and I remember them. Its sometimes hard to get to sleep and I wake up through out the night.
This week has been hard. I think it may be as a result of my menstrual cycle. Things tend to get amplified around that time. My moods have been more all over the place, and intense. I’ve had a few panic attacks and break downs, which I haven’t had in a while.
Right now.. I feel.. ok. Which I see as numb. I’m a bit tired emotionally and physically. I have two appointments with my therapist on Friday. We’ll see what comes of that.
Last night I had a dream where I was asleep and I woke up and looked in a mirror to see that my cheeks were pushed away and metal was underneath. It was only my cheeks though. I could touch the metal, and I was like wtf did I put too much blush on? I wiggled my face and it started to go back into place and it was closing up the opening where my dimples are. I woke up and the first thing I did was touch my face..
I’ve been on my medication for a while now, quite a while. I noticed my nightmares are different. I still have them, but I just can’t really remember them. If I stop and think I can remember bits and pieces.
I’ve been sick for well over a month. I feel like I start getting better and I get sick again. My sickness is just runny nose, and coughing. Right now, I have these coughing fits. These fits pretty much leave me gasping for air.
I’ve also noticed that my nails aren’t as hard and healthy as they used to be. They are dry, bendy, and literally chip, almost, peels off. My nails used to never be like that.
I think I’ve been sick a lot and my nails have been crap because of all the meds I take. I’m not sure, but that would be my guess. I suppose it’s something I should talk to my doctor about.
On the bright side I don’t get sad like I used to and my bipolar seems in check. But, is it really worth it? I don’t know.
I haven’t had a terrible dream in a long time, but last night I wasn’t feeling all that great. I woke up in tears again. Like before, I was crying in my dreams and I usually wake up in tears trying to figure out what just happened.
I can’t remember the beginning all that well, but I was on a bus on my way home. I think I was in a school bus, and I missed my stop. I got off and as I usually can in my dreams I could fly, but in this case I would jump and glide for a bit. I had a huge book bag that was holding me down. I had a little more control than I normally can. I was half way home and in front of a school when the wind picked up. I heard people talking about a tornado warning, but that it was most likely wasn’t gonna happen anytime soon. I thought great I have enough time to reach home. All of a sudden a tornado formed a ways from me and people were running toward the school and I was being pushed in that direction. I dropped my book bag and I went inside. There were a lot of people inside the building. Some how the these tornadoes were able to go inside the buildings and one came in and people started running out I turned around and saw lots of people getting flung into walls. There were blood marks everywhere as the wind moves around me as if in slow motion destroying everything. I turned back around toward the door in real time and I ran out. I looked at the sky and more tornadoes were forming. Unlike real tornadoes these had to touch you or anything in their path for things to be destroyed. I dodged many forming tornadoes, as other people weren’t so lucky. I kept thinking, I had to go home, I have to be with my family. I was a block away from home and I saw a tornado forming over the house. Under my breath I said no.. but inside I was screaming in horror. There was wind everywhere and I went behind a bush. It finally passed over the house and moves else where. I ran to the house. My family was ok, some how. Apparently the tornado luckily didn’t come close to them. This part was weird, my sisters were what seemed were to be coins. My mom was holding them and my dad was pushing her into a corner. My brother was on his computer as usual. I looked outside and it was calm, but I knew it wasn’t over. I told them we needed to go across the street to the neighbors basement. We left, but my brother stayed. There were a lot of people in her home (which ironically usually are, she’s an old lady who lives alone with a lot of other old lady friends) I looked behind me and I saw tornadoes forming. We went inside and started making our way to the basement. I noticed the wind picked up. We went into the basement along with many other people. After a while we went outside, and decided to look for survivors. We must of been like 4 blocks away, when the wind picked up again. We all started running back to the basement. Tornadoes started forming and destroying whatever they could. These tornadoes were like beams of blue light. People were being flung everywhere and blood was everywhere, screams everywhere. I turned around and saw my parents disappear I the crowd and I tried to go back, but the crowd was pushing me away. I ended up being pulled back to the basement with different people. I knew my family was gone. There was no escape from the tornadoes, and I couldn’t stay here. I got up and out of the basement and I ran. Dodging tornadoes and I kept running and they kept coming. I saw Jazmine with her child and Jannette, there were telling me how tornadoes were literally everywhere. Jazmine said she got in the tub with her child and waited for the tornadoes to leave, and Jannette said we should get a sexy car to escape in. So, we did and as we drove down the road we saw tornadoes. It hit the car and we landed away from the road. I got out and some how they disappeared, and I was alone with tornadoes all around me.
I woke up sometime when I saw the tornado forming of the house, and I was crying. I forced myself to sleep and the dream continued. I think I woke up a total of 2 or 3 times. Each time there was a twist to the dream. *sigh*..
I think this dream is a result of stress. There’s a lot going on right now, especially with my family. We’ll see how things go.
I wasn’t having the best of nights, but in the wee hours of the morning I woke up in tears. I can’t really remember the dream. Which honestly doesn’t surprise me, not like it’s the first time it’s happened. However, I do remember my grandpa, mom, and dad being in the dream at some point. I vaguely remember other bits, like water, glass windows, and a car. And, something about a heart tattoo. I dunno it all happened so fast… and like before I was crying within my dream, waking up with eyes wet confused to what just happened. I forced myself to sleep after that. Seems like, as time goes on, my dreams get worse, but the less I remember them. Which in the long run could be better for me? It’s only been 9 days since I first started my new treatment, so I suppose we’ll see if things improve with more time.
I have a feeling these next few days won’t be any better.
Last night, I had another nightmare? It’s funny how once I wake up the dream starts to escape me, but when I’m spacing out parts of my dreams come back to me. I close my eyes and shake my head a bit to make the thought go away.
This dream was very violent, like most of them are. I can’t remember the beginning of my dream, but I sure remember the end. However, I do remember a part in the middle. I was in a park with other people (I rarely remember the other people in my dream and rarely are they people I recognize) and I had a staff that could extend and help me fly (something like the avatar, air bender shit lol) Anyways, someone took it from me and broke it, I was pissed, but turns out I didn’t need it anymore. I could fly by will. I have a lot of flying dreams, but I usually can’t control my direction of flight. So, that’s how I learned how to fly. Jumping forward, I was in some type of shelter and these horrible pirate looking men came in and started taking random people away and shoving them into a court yard (which happened to look a lot like my grandparents place, that happens a lot in my dreams). This man came up to me and said I was a pretty looking thing that he wanted to try out. He stumped as he tried to grab me and a woman next to me told me, whatever happens from here play dead. He grabbed me and tried to touch me, but another man came over and told him to send me to the courtyard. Before I knew it I was shoved into a crowd of people. I saw the men lining up on the other side with guns, it immediately because apparent what was going to happen. I ran to the back near a huge tree and told the women around me they were going to shoot us. We tried hiding behind people, and made a break toward the tree once they started shooting. I saw people being gunned down all around me, but I managed to get behind the tree in time. The men with the guns started to surround us gunning down any survivors. A man who was near me got shot in the head and fell on top of me. I played dead, trying to hold my breath as much as I could. I could hear the men around me and I caught a glimpse of people being shot. Oh of the men spotted me and aimed towards me, but he was shot before he could shoot me. Pretty soon, everyone was dead, and those who weren’t were shot. An order was given to take the bodies to a pit to be burned. I tried my best to not move, and a man came up to us with a machete. I felt him slash at the dead man on top of me. Next thing I know he slashes at my hands and legs. He drags the dead man off me to the pit. It was the same man from before who tried to abuse me. He flipped me over and starts to crave things into my body. I can’t feel anything. He moves toward my eye, but a man calls over to him and starts putting my arm, but I flinch and he makes a move to grab his machete. I get up and grab the closest thing near me, a wrench, and I throw it at him. I somehow remember I can fly and then I wake up.
This dream reminds me of a dream I had a year ago. I was in downtown Portland waiting for the MAX to go to class, and some people start running towards me and I stop one to ask what was going on. They says that a man is shooting random people and was coming this way. I figured I would round the area and go back the way he was going and I wouldn’t be in the direction he was going. I was wrong. He rounded my way, and he wasn’t alone. I heard gun shots and then I saw people running away, so I ran inside a near by bank and hid behind an escalator. They came inside the bank and started shooting people. One of the guys (they were all wearing masks and some had something over they face and baseball caps) sees me and aims at me and shoots me several times. I wake up.
The strange thing about this dream is I remember a video of a girl who was shot in the face at close range and survives. These two teenage boys, who did the shooting were recording their kills. However, they sent a video out saying that she was the one that got away, but they were going to take care of that problem. This leads into my downtown Portland dream. I feel like this was a real thing that happened, because I remember the video so vividly. So, I’m not sure if I read or saw something about this online and then had the dream or if it in fact was all a dream. That seems to happen every once in a while. I tried to look online for something like that, but I didn’t find anything. Or maybe I didn’t put in the right search, who knows.
Lately, I’ve been having strange dreams, well more than usual. I can find myself spacing out and remembering those dreams, or pieces of dreams mixed with other dreams. None of it ever makes sense. I can remember only my nightmares, and ever since I was younger I’ve had recurring dreams that are always the same. In the past I can remember 2 dreams that I’ve woken up from that just left me in utter fear. They both were of my youngest sister getting harmed in some way. The first one I woke up crying because she was in a car accident with half her body mutilated: one eye swollen shut bloody and breathing very shallow. I could do nothing about it, however, I did call my mom and I told her about it and asked to speak to my sister. I felt like she should stay away from cars after that. My second dream was on a mountain side that led down to a cliff with water down below. My sister was ahead of me running down the side of the mountain nearing the cliff’s edge. I yelled down to her telling her to stay back and no matter how hard I tried it seemed like I was never gonna get to her. She fell into the water, she can’t swim, struggling to stay a float she sank. I couldn’t save her.
My childhood nightmares were different, but always the same. One involves a sidewalk with a dandelion growing from a crack. I bend down to pick it up and the sides close in with walls and the ground stares to shake. I start running and behind me a huge ball of what seems to be clay comes toward me. I become engulfed in it. I can’t escape it, it’s like being put in a dryer and I’m tumbling around these folds and it’s hard to breathe. I get this unexplainable feeling which I can only describe as a numb pain if that makes sense. Thorough all of that I can see the dandelion tumbling around with me. The next dream, I was at a store with my family and all of a sudden everyone is gone. I walk outside of the store and there’s a fence in the parking lot surrounding the store, so there’s no way out. It’s night, but there’s a street light in the middle of this parking lot. I walk toward it, but I’m not alone. I can hear and see dark figures moving around the outside the fence. I don’t think they’re human. Those are two of the dreams that I’d have more often as a child.
I had a dream, I wanna say 3 days ago, that I woke up crying from. I can’t remember the dream itself, but I think I was crying in my dream and it transitioned to me crying out of the dream. Unless, it was all a dream, it sure felt like one. I just don’t remember why I was crying. The next night, I had a dream where I was attacked by monster creatures, something like a monkey, only it they weren’t monkeys. I’d say they were more like little demons. The details of this dream escape me, but it went into another dream. (even now as I try to remember all my dreams are overlapping each other, it’s hard to remember what dream was what) There were Asian warriors, some on horses and others on foot. I was with a few other people the people I was with in the first attack, we hid, but they found us. Somehow I turned into a mermaid, only I wasn’t really a mermaid. There were 4 of us, I was the one in gold (I don’t even like gold), but it wasn’t like real gold but more like tail made of sequins. There was a white, blue, and green one. The leader of the Asian warriors was a white woman with a sword. She wanted to keep us a trophies, but some of us tried to escape. She killed those who tried. Somehow I was able to obtain telekinetic powers and I shed my sequin tail and defeated her. We all escaped. I could now fly, I watched over the others from above as the Asian warriors came after us. Other stuff happens and somehow there are 3 others who manage to escape and obtain flying powers, but all the others die. We start to grow tails, but we’re still being looked for so we continue to hid. From there I can’t remember, but mostly because I start to remember other dreams.
I’ve had many strange dreams over the years.
Actually there was one dream where I can remember walking through a house and knowing the house even though I have never been there before. It was like a combination of houses that were different houses that were familiar to me in some way. This dream was after my encounter with the demon monkeys, I remember hoping I wouldn’t encounter one of them as I was walking through this house. It was such a strange feeling of knowing a place I shouldn’t know.
I don’t know if it’s the medication I’m taking that has intensified my dreams. My therapist did say that my Prazosin would take my nightmares away, but might do the opposite at first. I am able to sleep through the night more than I was able to. I just never know what kind of dream I’m gonna have next, but I know pieces of each dream stay with me.
"Virus. Eating away at my inner core. It’s always been there. Something you can’t just get rid of. Learn to live with it before it finally consumes you. Eventually, it always consumes you. Pretending is no longer going to "fix" this. Acceptance. Accept the voices in your head. Shadows that are caught from the corner of your eyes. Sudden feelings you can’t explain, and pain you to try. Now expected and welcomed. I can’t pretend you don’t exist, because you do."
As expected, no one commented. Why would they when they probably can’t understand? Why post if I already knew the answer? Because… I wanted to be proved wrong. Why make a Tumblr? I haven’t figured that out yet. Sometimes I get the urge to type and it usually gets backspaced. I suppose now I can tuck it away in my little nook.